my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
