grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.