And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
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I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
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We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?