you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
