Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
