He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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