I am in a vortex of obligation.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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