these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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