Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
