Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything