fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
