Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize