i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
