Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
