i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
