I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
