Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
