I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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