my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
