Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
