but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
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