My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
