So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
