Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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