I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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