I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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