how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
