everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I understand Curling. That high.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Randomize
