Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
