I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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