I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she pinky promised me she was 18
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
