I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
