what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
