The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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