Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
