I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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