dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
