no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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