I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He had one of those small greek statue penises
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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