Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
