You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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