Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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