You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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