Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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