I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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