my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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