and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
