ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
