He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
