Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize