just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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