The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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