She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
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You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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