i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
