I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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