You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
